March 28, 2007 at 7:55 pm (My Coaching Journey)
I learned a very powerful lesson this week about responding vs reacting to a situation. This one is a bit personal, but part of this learning process is to speak up when you fall down so here I go…
I was out with my partner a few days ago and something happened that triggered a negative feeling in me about something I was upset about and hadn’t yet discussed with him. Even as I told myself to hold back and not speak up when I was feeling this upset, I let it out anyway. This triggered a reaction in him that I didn’t want, and I then reacted to his reaction and in the end the situation was made so much worse by the way we both reacted to each other. If I had listened to my inner voice and stopped and thought about what I wanted to say, I would have said it in a way that sought to promote understanding and build the relationship instead of sounding critical, which put him on the defensive – and then the offensive.
Thinking through this experience, I have really seen how reacting vs responding has such powerful implications for relationships. If I deal with my relationship conflicts by reacting to the other person, the conflict just escalates, with each person trying to prove how right we are or how wrong the other person is and the conflict can deteriorate from being about an issue to being about attacking who the other person is. It is hard to recover from that. On the other hand, the conversation takes a whole different tone if I step back to reflect on my own feelings and where they are coming from. If I stop to think about how I want to communicate what is concerning me in a way that seeks to build understanding and awareness about what each other’s pain points are and what we would like from each other to help heal, then the conflict can actually help move the relationship forward instead of tearing it down. I know that there are going to be times that I still “react” to a situation. I am now, however, more aware of my reactions than before, and this will more often translate into a response that honors me and how I want to relate to people.
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March 15, 2007 at 3:21 pm (My Coaching Journey)
I started my coaching certification a couple of years ago and had a few detours along the way. I am now back on track and have started this blog as part of the graduation requirements although I also find it to be a great way to express my thoughts and connect with others. In this category I will reflect on some learnings and observations about the Power Tools module. This is a module that offers some “tools” for helping coaching clients move forward with their goals, to help people take control of their lives. Reading about them was interesting and informative. Yesterday, on a coaching call, I admitted to the group that this was probably the hardest module I have ever gone through. The session was about Responding vs Reacting, and I have really had a difficult time working through some of the questions about how and when I react and what might be a better response to a situation. Intellectually I understand the difference between the two and the power of responding. When I have used it recently I have found that it does make a difference in resolving conflict and getting what I want, and it left me with a sense of freedom from being hooked in to the situation. At first when I did the exercises I found myself ironically resisting and “reacting” to the questions. I had to sit back and ask myself why I was feeling this way. I think part of it is that we tend to go about our lives on auto pilot, reacting to situations as they come up. I know that it is rare that I would actually stop and think about what was happening, detach myself and then choose a response. Life moves so quickly and demands immediate action. I am so used to doing this that when I was asked to stop and think about something it was so foreign to how I resolve problems that it frustrated me at first. Now I am opening up to the learning and accepting and working with whatever emotions come up in these exercises. Responding to the answers fully will only make me a better coach. I would love to know if anyone else out there in the ICA community had similar ”reactions” to answering any of the Power Tool discussion or reflection questions. How did you work with it? Thanks!
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March 5, 2007 at 5:41 pm (Goals and Dreams)
This is becoming a favorite topic of late as I have been dealing with some serious gremlins myself. It is somewhat ironic that I have been able to coach other people through periods of “gremlin attacks” as they persue a goal, or try to change their life in some significant way, and yet my own gremlins seem to have come up out of the recesses of my mind and are fully engaged in an all out attack on my own dreams. Thoughts ranging from fear of not making enough money to feeling overwhelmed by the long journey ahead have hit me like a two-by-four. What happened to the confident wisdom and child-like enthusiasm I had a few weeks ago? How do I get it back? Time perhaps to heed some of my own advice.
I did some soul searching over the weekend and realized that some of my fear may be coming from a past experience that I may be unwittingly projecting on my current situation. To help myself overcome these doubts and fears, I have taken a few steps that were helpful:
1. I talked it out with someone I trusted. Speaking about your fears out loud to someone who will listen and be supportive can be very powerful in shrinking your fear.
2. I started to think about what I could focus on doing that was within my control and that would move me positively – even a little-in the direction I want to go in.
3. I am practicing bringing my focus into the present moment and enjoying what it has to offer. I am also focusing on what is in front of me that I can handle and feel good about accomplishing and thinking less about the volume of work that is still in front of me longer term.
For inspiration, I reflect on a story my mother told me about how she was hiking with my 5 year old niece while on a camping trip and they reached a steep hill that my mother wanted them to climb. My niece looked up at the hill and started to complain that she would never be able to climb such a big hill. Instead of letting her off the hook, my mother asked her if she could climb to the first rock a few meters up. When they reached the rock, she pointed to some flowers a few more meters up. My mother continued to do this - having my niece focus on something in front of her that was a shorter distance that she felt she could reach. Along the way they rested a couple of times and my mother pointed out how far up they had gone. When she made it to the top, my niece was so amazed and proud of herself and couldn’t believe she had climbed the entire height of the hill.
It is so easy to get overwhelmed by all we think we have to accomplish to attain a lofty goal, especially a life changing one. By concentrating on the smaller steps in front of us and giving ourselves the time we need to rest and take care of ourselves, we can achieve what we didn’t think was possible.
I think back to other times I thought I couldn’t do something and I focused on what was in front of me and took the small steps, pacing myself to achieve a goal. It works as long as you don’t give up. Looking back on your life – what have you done that at one point you never thought you would be able to do? When was the last time you did something you didn’t think you could?
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